Timeline: Kariaste, current times
Characters: Elyanor Ursi
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The price I paid for my sins is heavier than most would ever imagine it to be. I speak to others about what they think the dark to be and their dark, compared to mine, is nothing. I deserved my punishment though it has left me scarred beyond what can be repaired. I know that much, admit to that much and am somewhat afraid that my current housemate will eventually grow worn of being at my bedside during the nights where it gets so bad that I could wish to want to die again.
Since I am writing down everything in that passes through my mind in this journal, I suppose I could begin at the very beginning.
While I loved my life, adored my friends, there was a darkness within me, something that was a constant in my life. I don’t know what it was, I don’t know where it was from, but when my brother finally settled, found a woman to call his own, I found myself spiraling towards an oblivion that I couldn’t avoid.
I adored that woman myself, I loved her in ways I shouldn’t have and I knew that given a choice, I stood not a chance if the competition was to be between my brother and myself. She was my best friend and she had been for a long time by that point. I didn’t want to take away from my brother his chance at happiness. The aching loneliness I felt then was more than I could handle, more than I could wrap my head around and I did the foolish thing of trying to take my life.
My memories of that moment are relatively fuzzy. I remember the hotel room, I remember the ache, the pain though none of it seemed to equal to the ache I was trying to leave behind. I remember the dark and then.. I remember him.
Tall, god so tall I felt dwarfed next to him and he was staring at me as if he was judging me, as if he was weighing the good and bad I’d done in my life. He said that it wasn’t my time but that he couldn’t send me to the den. The den was for those who had been brought to the verge of death accidentally, those who had been near killed or outright killed during a battle for the greater good. Not those who were suicidal like I was. He said that I had to think back on why, he said that I had to figure things out and that.. thing, it just opened under me. A void of dark and I fell. Oh god I fell. I just fell and fell and it was so dark.
I eventually began to slow down and after I don’t know how long, I was still, just floating down in the middle of nothing at all, left with no more than just myself.
I guess most people would be fine with being in the dark. I mean, I hear about others who have gone willingly in the dark and the thought honestly terrifies me. I can’t even sleep in a dark room. I keep my blinds open to let the lights from outside flow in. I have a slight lamp hanging just outside my bedroom door and it is always lit. Always.
Being in the dark though, I can’t begin to explain how I felt, how it was. I had no sense of time, I had no sense of when, where or how. There was no hunger, there was no need for anything. I wasn’t dormant, I couldn’t sleep. Or if I did, I don’t know how long or how well since my thoughts kept on centering on the horror I could begin to feel I had inflicted upon those I loved.
The only thing I could focus on was that I had been selfish, so very selfish to bring that kind of hurt to those I adored beyond words. To the two people who mattered the most to me. So very selfish and I was being made to pay the price. All I could see in my mind’s eye and all around me, as if it was projected all about, was the images I had last seen. The note I’d written for Aurore, the bloody mess in my hotel room, the despair I knew I had caused them. It was like I was on a carousel and going round and round, seeing the same things over and over again.
How much I wanted to curl in on myself and forget everything, be and let go of it all but it was my punishment. No matter how I curled, there was another image there waiting for me. Now, whenever I close my eyes, the blood flashes in front of my eyes for a brief moment before it goes.
I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around how long I’ve been lost in the dark until he let me out. Until he opened the doorway and all I could see was a pin of light. It then grew until all I could see was white and it was like it had swallowed me whole. He told me I had served my time, that I was free to finally try and find peace amongst the living again.
I can’t spend any amount of time near the man. I can easily enough wrap my mind around the fact that he merely set me there for my own safety, for my own well-being or that much I suppose was it but he terrifies me. I just about choked on the juice I was drinking the morning Aurore told me he was her brother.
There is so much I can’t tell my brother. So much I can’t tell a single living soul. It terrifies me. The world terrifies me and there are so many reasons for that.
My world is slowly fading to dark. With every passing year. I don’t know if it’s a side effect to being in his darkness or if it’s just something wrong with me but I can’t begin to want to tell the medical folks. The idea of being put under for the tests is bad enough to keep me away. I can’t see from my right eye and the vision in my left is mostly there though it’s not clear on some days.
Kannon.. I don’t know how to express my thanks properly for his presence in the house. I didn’t know what I was honestly doing when I invited him to live with me. Though I suppose I can better understand it now. The aching loneliness that had been present, that loneliness that led me to being in the dark in the first place was settling once more. Yes, I have a big family though they’re not mine in the end. My brother has children and some children of their own and while I love spending time with them, it is something of a present ache to go back home when the place is empty.
He’s been such a blessing since he first stepped in. I can understand the reasons why he was sent in the dark, at least I think so and his having been fresh from the dark was another reason why I wanted to offer him something, anything.
I have nightmares when I sleep. In the morning I act like I don’t remember and it just.. it feels safer that way. I know on really bad nights I toss and I turn, I whimper, whine and I sob away in some cases but he’s been a steady presence and I feel that soon he won’t be able to stand any of it and he’ll find himself another house, he’ll settle elsewhere and I’ll be back to being alone.
I don’t want to go back to being alone. I don’t want to go back to the dark. The dark is the last place I want to be but it almost seems as if my life is on a leash and I’m always going back to that one point, to that one place. At times I wonder just how well my sanity is anchored into this reality.
I’m broken and there’s no fixing me.
